Abuse is about power and control. Too often, our society blames survivors instead of holding abusers responsible. Many people who realize their relationship is unhealthy or abusive also struggle with self-blame.
From a young age, we are often taught to see jealousy, control, or manipulation as signs of “love.” Because of this, many people who realize their relationship is unhealthy or abusive also struggle with self-blame. It’s common to feel, or be told, that the abuse is somehow your fault. But it’s not. Abuse is about control, and the responsibility lies with the person choosing to hurt you.
Sometimes abuse can feel “mutual.” For example, if you push or hit your partner in order to escape when they won’t let you leave, they may later use this against you. Remember: defending yourself is not abuse. Protecting yourself is not the same as choosing to harm someone.
Abuse can look different in different relationships, which can make it confusing and discouraging if you face it again. This might lead to painful thoughts like “I don’t deserve love or respect.” These feelings are common, but they are not a reflection of your worth. Another person’s choice to control or hurt you is never your fault.
It’s common to blame yourself for “not seeing the signs” or “not leaving sooner.” But abuse is complex and hard to navigate, especially when you’re isolated, emotionally worn down, financially controlled, or threatened with violence. You can’t be expected to notice everything or act right away.
For many people, especially women, family, cultural, and economic pressures mean there may be few safe options except to stay. Without housing, childcare, education, dignified work, or health support, “choosing to leave” isn’t simple. Abuse, however, is always a choice made by the abuser, and survivors should never have to carry that blame.
If you’re feeling ashamed, guilty, or confused, you are not alone. Counselling and support services are available. Domestic violence organizations and mental health services including free or low-cost options can help you work through these feelings and find support. Above all, know this: You deserve love, care, and respect.