We are taught from an early age to see controlling or manipulative behavior as desirable, even romantic. Jealousy is framed as “care,” controlling or protective behavior as “love,” persistence even after rejection as “romance.” On the other hand, values like equality, healthy boundaries, open communication, and trust are rarely modeled as the norm in relationships.
Because of this, many people who realize their relationship is unhealthy or abusive also struggle with self-blame. It’s common to feel, or be told, that the abuse is somehow your fault. Friends or family may dismiss your concerns or blame you with questions like:
“Are you sure you didn’t provoke it?”
“You said or did ___, that’s why I got angry.”
“That’s just how it is, it happens to everyone.”
Sometimes, the abuse can even feel “mutual.” You may have heard, “You hit or shoved me—you’re abusive too.” Remember: defending yourself is not abuse. For example, if your partner corners you in a room and won’t let you leave, you may need to push or hit them to get away. They might later use this against you, but your attempt to protect yourself is not the same as abuse.
For people who have left abusive relationships and then find themselves in new relationships that are also abusive, it can feel confusing and deeply discouraging. Abuse looks different in different relationships. This can trigger painful thoughts like feeling unworthy of love, or believing you don’t deserve respect or care. These feelings are common, but they are not a reflection of your worth. Another person’s choice to control or hurt you is never your fault.
It’s also common to blame yourself for “not seeing the signs” sooner, or for “not leaving earlier.” This comes from a larger social narrative that puts the burden on survivors — that it’s your job to somehow survive against all odds, alone. That isn’t true. Abuse is complex and difficult to navigate. You cannot be expected to spot every sign, make every “right” decision quickly, or always put your own safety first while in the middle of abuse.
For many women especially, family, cultural, and economic pressures mean there are few real options except to stay. Without safe housing, childcare, education, dignified work, or support for physical and mental health, “choosing to leave” often isn’t possible. Abuse, however, is always a choice made by the abuser. Survivors should never have to carry that blame.
If you are feeling confused, ashamed, or guilty, please remember you are not alone. Counselling and support services are available. Domestic violence organizations, as well as free or low-cost mental health services, can help you find ways to work through these difficult feelings and find support. You deserve love, care and respect. Above all, know this: You deserve love, care, and respect.
